I. Jokes

PART III READER

BABY BEGINS TO SPEAK

"I've had a dreadful day," the wife complained to her husband. "First the baby cut his first tooth, then he took his first step, and then he fell and knocked out his first tooth."

"Well, and then what happened?" asked the husband.

"Oh, darling," the wife answered in a shocked voice, "he said his first word."

TRANSLATION

Bobby had a hard time pronouncing his "Rs", so the teacher gave him this sentence to learn: "Robert gave Richard a rap in the rib for roasting the rabbit so rare."

A few days later she asked Bobby to repeat the sentence. He rose and said: "Bob gave Dick a poke in the side for not doing the bunny well."

SAME THING

A blushing girl handed the telegraph clerk a message to a boyfriend containing only his name, address, and one word "Yes."

"You can send five more words for the same price," said the clerk helpfully.

"Yes, I know," replied the girl, "but don't you think I'd look too eager if I said the same thing six times?"

STAND BACK

"I don't know what to do about my son. He says he wants to be a racing motorist," the father said.

"If that's the case, you'd better not stand in his way," advised a friend.

TALKING DOGS

A circus owner decided to create a sensation by showing a dog who could speak English. Then he thought better of it and advertised two English-speaking dogs in one number.

At the first night performance the excited owner stood with the trainer behind the scenes. Two dogs were brought on to the arena where they began staring at each other with great animosity.[3] The nervous circus owner asked the trainer: "Why, they seem not to like each other at all? Will they be able to speak?"

"They are not on speaking terms tonight," commented the trainer.

CANT SAY "YES"

"Why don't you marry her?"

"She has a slight impediment[4]."

"How sad, what is it?" "She can't say 'yes'."

ISAAC NEWTON'S DINNER

Isaac Newton was often so deeply interested in difficult problems that he became quite absent-minded. One day a gentleman came to see him, but he was told that Sir Isaac Newton was busy in his study and that nobody was allowed to disturb him.

As it was dinner-time, the visitor sat down in the dining-room to wait for the scientist. The servant came in and placed on the table a boiled chicken under a cover. An hour passed, but Newton did not appear. The gentleman, feeling hungry, ate the chicken, and covering up the skeleton, asked the servant to prepare another one for his master.

Before the second chicken was ready, however, the scientist entered the room, apologizing for his delay. Then he added: "As I feel rather tired and hungry, I hope you will excuse me a little longer, while I take my dinner, and then I will be at your service." With these words he lifted the cover, and without emotion turned round to the gentleman and said: "See what a strange set we scientists are! I quite forgot that I had dined already."

At this moment the servant brought in the other chicken. The visitor explained how matters stood. After a hearty laugh, the hungry scientist sat down to dine.

QUITE ENOUGH

When Erich Remarque, the well-known German novelist was still a young man, he was once introduced to an American girl who was travelling in Germany. Speaking in German, the girl asked Remarque why he had never visited the United States. His answer was that he couldn't speak English. In fact, he knew only four sentences, he said.

"What are those sentences?" asked the girl, much interested.

Speaking slowly, with a strong German accent, the writer said: "How do you do? I love you. Forgive me. Ham and eggs, please."

"Why," cried the girl, "with these sentences you could tour the United States from Maine to California."

TOO GREAT A MAJORITY

Bernard Shaw's gift of ready wit is well illustrated by the story of how he turned the laugh against a member of the public who was expressing disapproval of one of his plays.

It was the first night of "Arms and the Man", a play which had a very good reception from a crowded house. When the curtain fell at the end of the last act there was tremendous applause, accompanied by insistent call for the author to appear. One man in the gallery was whistling thus expressing his disapproval.

Bernard Shaw appeared before the curtain, waited in silence until the end of the applause. Then, looking up at that critic, he said: "I quite agree with you, Sir, but what can we two do against all these people?"

MARK TWAIN'S LECTURE

Once a literary club invited Mark Twain to give a lecture. Before the lecture one of the members of the club came to him and said:

"Mr. Twain, people say that you can tell very funny stories. I hope that during your lecture you will tell a story that will make my uncle laugh. He hasn't laughed for ten years."

"I'll do my best," Mark Twain said.

When he began his lecture, Mark Twain noticed the club member. He was sitting in front of him with an old man who had a very sad face.

Mark Twain began to tell jokes, one after another. "I told long jokes and short jokes, new jokes and old jokes," Mark Twain told his friends. "I told every joke in my memory, and soon everybody was laughing. Everybody — but not the old man. He continued to look at me with his cold, blue eyes. I was ashamed to think that I couldn't make him laugh, and I tried again and again. But nothing helped..."

After the lecture, the club member came to Mark Twain and said, "Thank you, Mr. Twain. I have never heard so many very funny stories."

"They weren't funny enough for your uncle," Mark Twain answered. "He didn't even smile."

"I know," the man said. "I told you that he hasn't laughed for ten years. But I didn't tell you that he hasn't heard anything for ten years. He is deaf."

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