The Difficult Child

The difficult child is the child who is unhappy. He is at war with himself, and in consequence, he is at war with the world. A difficult child is nearly always made difficult by wrong treat­ment at home.

The moulded,¹ conditioned, disciplined, repressed child — the unfree child, whose name is a Legion, lives in every corner of the world. He lives in our town just across the street, he sits at a dull desk in a dull school, and later he sits at a duller desk in an office or on a factory bench. He is docile, prone to obey authority, fearful of criticism, and almost fanatical in his desire to be conventional and correct. He accepts what he has been taught almost without question; and he hands down all his complexes and fears and frustrations to his children.

Adults take it for granted that a child should be taught to behave in such a way that the adults will have as quiet a life as possible. Hence the importance attached to obedience, to man­ner, to docility.

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¹ People who use this argument do not realize that they start with an unfounded, unproved assumption — the assumption that a child will not grow or develop unless forced to do so.

The usual argument against freedom for children is this: life is hard, and we must train the children so that they will fit into life later on. We must therefore discipline them. If we allow them to do what they like, how will they ever be able to serve under a boss? How will they ever be able to exercise self-discipline?

To impose anything by authority is wrong. Obedience must come from within — not be imposed from without.

The problem child is the child who is pressured into obedi­ence and persuaded through fear.

Fear can be a terrible thing in a child's life. Fear must be entirely eliminated — fear of adults, fear of punishment, fear of disapproval. Only hate can flourish in the atmosphere of fear.

The happiest homes are those in which the parents are frankly honest with their children without moralizing. Fear does not enter these homes. Father and son are pals. Love can thrive. In other homes love is crushed by fear. Pretentious dig­nity and demanded respect hold love aloof. Compelled respect always implies fear.

The happiness and well-being of children depend on a de­gree of love and approval we give them. We must be on the child's side. Being on the side of the child is giving love to the child — not possessive love — not sentimental love — just behaving to the child in such a way the child feels you love him and approve of him.

Home plays many parts in the life of the growing child, it is the natural source of affection, the place where he can live with the sense of security; it educates him in all sorts of ways, pro­vides him with his opportunities of recreation, it affects his sta­tus in society.

Children need affection. Of all the functions of the family that of providing an affectionate background for childhood and adolescence has never been more important than it is today.

Child study has enabled us to see how necessary affection is in ensuring proper emotional development; and the stresses and strains of growing up in modern urban society have the effect of intensifying the yearning for parental regard.

The childhood spent with heartless, indifferent or quarrel­some parents or in a broken home makes a child permanently embittered. Nothing can compensate for lack of parental affec­tion. When the home is a loveless one, the children are im­personal and even hostile.

Approaching adolescence children become more indepen­dent of their parents. They are now more concerned with what other kids say or do. They go on loving their parents deeply underneath, but they don't show it on the surface. They no longer want to be loved as a possession or as an appealing child. They are gaining a sense of dignity as individuals, and they like to be treated as such. They develop a stronger sense of responsibility about matters that they think are important.

From their need to be less dependent on their parents, they turn more to trusted adults outside the family for ideas and knowledge.

hi adolescence aggressive feelings become much stronger, hi this period, children will play an earnest game of war. There may be arguments, roughhousing and even real fights! Is gun­play good or bad for children?

For many years educators emphasized its harmlessness, even when thoughtful parents expressed doubt about letting their children have pistols and other warlike toys. It was assumed that in the course of growing up children have a natural tendency to bring their aggressiveness more and more under control.

But nowadays educators and physicians would give parents more encouragement in their inclination to guide children away from violence of any kind, from violence of gun-play and from violence on screen.

The world famous Dr. Benjamin Spock has this to say in the new edition of his book for parents about child care:

"Many evidences made me think that Americans have often been tolerant of harshness, lawlessness and violence, as well as of brutality on screen. Some children can only partly distin­guish between dramas and reality. I believe that parents should flatly forbid proprams that go in for violence. I also believe that parents should firmly stop children's war-play or any other kind of play that degenerates into deliberate cruelty or mean­ness. One can't be permissive about such things. To me it seems very clear that we should bring up the next generation with a greater respect for law and for other people's rights."

1. As you read the text: a) Look for the answers to the following questions:

1. What makes a child unhappy? 2. Why do you think, a child who, according to the text "sits at a dull desk at school"

will later sit "at a duller desk in his office"? What is implied here? 3. Why do many adults attach such importance to obedi­ence? Is it really in the child's interests? 4. What are the usual arguments put forward against giving more freedom to the child? Are the arguments well-founded? 5. Why is it wrong to pres-; sure a child into obedience? 6. What kinds of fear does a child experience? 7. What kind of atmosphere is necessary for child's proper emotional development? 8. What new traits and habits emerge in adolescence? 9. How and why did Dr Spock's attitude change regarding the adolescents' games of war? 10. Why is it so dangerous for children to be exposed to violence? 11. How should the new generation be brought up?

b) Summarize the text in three paragraphs specifying the following themes:

1. The prime importance of home in the upbringing of child­ren. 2. The negative and harmful role of fears in a child's life. 3. The impact of aggressive gun-play on children's character.

2. Use the topical vocabulary in answering the following questions:

1. What traits of character would you name as typical for a normal happy child? Consider the following points with regard to his attitudes to: a) his family, parents; b) the school, teachers, studies, rules and regulations; c) his classmates; d) his friends.

2. What traits of character would you consider prominent in a difficult child, a problem child? Consider the points given above. 3. What traits of character are brought about by excessively harsh discipline and pressure? 4. What traits of character would be brought about by lack of discipline and control, by pampering or permissiveness? 5. How would you describe a good parent? 6. What traits of a parent would you consider most favourable for a child? 7. What are the dangerous symptoms of a problem child? 8. What kind of parents' attitude may make a child ir­responsive, and unable to cope with difficulties? 9. Under what circumstances would a child grow confident, self-possessed, able to cope with difficulties?

3. Below are the statements expressing different opinions. Imagine that you are expressing these opinions, try to make them sound convincing:

I. The parents' permissiveness breeds contempt in child­ren. 2. The child is born selfish and he will need the best part of-his life to get over it. 3. Popularity and success in" life seldom come to totally self-centered people. 4. Enjoying things is es­sential to a child's development. 5. True enjoyment comes mostly from using skills for real achievement. 6. Enjoyment may come not only from personal experience but also from passive enjoyment.

4. Read the text:

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