I. Asking for and Giving Opinions

Result

Request

Relate

Report

Reflect

Before you do anything, think about what you want to say, particularly if you want to criticise him. It's tempting to believe the best way to change behaviour is through coercion – grabbing the car keys, refusing to wash his socks, shouting at the top of your voice if he tries to. interrupt you. Yet any approach based on force is likely to fail as he’ll resent your sudden forceful-ness. Your purpose isn't to show him he isn't perfect, but to educate him and get your relationship on to an equal footing. Keep this motive at the back of your mind and it'll prevent you making hasty comments you might regret later.

Once you have sorted out your motives it's time for reporting – that is, telling him exactly what is bothering you. Be specific and avoid generalisations like “You always...”

Instead, describe actual events, such as: “You remember last night when your friend asked me a question? You answered on my behalf... and that made me feel small and insignificant.”

This is important because if you charge in with very general criticism, he is going to feel attacked, very defensive and, yes, you may well find yourself rowing.

Now, tell him how his behaviour affects you by saying “I feel...” and then naming whatever feelings you experience. Don’t focus on your bad feelings, just concentrate on the effects of his actions. For example, saying “I think your
behaviour and my reaction to it is worsening our relationship,” is better than “I think you’re really selfish, dogmatic and bombastic and it makes me angry.”

Ask for things you would like to be changed. Remember you have the right to ask for whatever you want from someone, and they have exactly the same right to say “yes” or “no”.

Don’t fall into the “mind-reading” trap believing, if he really loves you, he’ll know instinctively what you want without asking.

If you ask directly, he may give you what you want and, if he refuses, at least you know where you stand.

Avoid demanding. People often resist demands, not because the demand is unreasonable, but because no one likes to be pushed around. “I'd prefer it if you let me finish” is better than “Shut up and stop interrupting me.”

Spell out the positive conse­quences you foresee if he changes his behaviour, otherwise he may think you're just being bossy.

Avoid saying: “Don’t ever take the car again without asking me if I need it.” Instead, say: “Mum was really looking forward to seeing me today, but I couldn’t visit her because you had the car. Can you let me know when you're planning to use it?”

To show you're not simply trying to manipulate him, always round off with something like: “I’m glad we’ve cleared the air. It’s made me feel much happier.”

So next time you want to take the initiative, follow the Five R’s. They’ll help you communicate and stop you being bossed around.

Sheila Dainow Readers’ Digest. 1997

Women in the Modern World

Speech Functions Bank

F – Formal

Inf – Informal

(i) Asking for Opinions

F Inf

I was wondering where you stood on the question of X? What’s your position on X? How do you feel about X? What do you reckon about X? What about X?

(ii) Giving Opinions

F   Inf

It would seem to me that as far as I'm able to judge, As far as I'm concerned, From my point of view, I think In my opinion + SENTENCE Personally, I think As I see it Frankly, I think I reckon

1. Make the following into questions and answers about opinions using the language in the boxes above.

E x a m p l e:

What/think/new divorce law?

Personally... awful.

What do you think of the new divorce law?

Personally, I think it’s awful.

1. What/ position/introducting paternity leaves?

As far... judge, it won’t help matters.

2. How/feel/women being treated like second-class citizens?

From... it’s an outdated approach.

3. I/wondering/you stood/question/Women’s Liberation movement?

As …, it has no future.

2. Use appropriate language from the boxes above to ask for and give opinions in the following situations.

E x a m p l e:

Two friends – a new dishwasher

– What do you think of my new dishwasher?

– Frankly, I don’t think it'll make your life easier.

1. Conference participants – Indian practice of burning brides.

2. Work colleagues – new benefits for working mothers.

3. Female friends – plans for their summer holidays.

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